I'm in love with someone twice my age and I'm 14.?

I'm 14 and I'm in love with a 26 year old lawyer with a kid and a wife. I had sex with him at age 13 and I've been completely in love with him even before that. I look at him and blush and my whole being glows and flutters with complete astonishing happiness. I'm always depressed and insecure. Hardly positive and barely smile. My friend saw me talking to him and told me that I looked like I was in love. Like nothing else mattered in the entire world, but him. Even thought she doesn't even know he exists. I'm never sad when I'm with him. I've had sex with him several times. Each time amazing. My self-esteem went up to the sky! I felt amazing! But when I moved away from him my self-esteem when to hell and I became completely depressed. I also thought I was pregnant because I was very late with my period. I got so obsessed with my baby. I even named her. Her initials are C.K.R.A. I don't want to tell you her full name. Sorry. I wanted a girl more than a boy, but I knew that I'd love him or her no matter what the gender. I even got a name for a boy. Initials J.C.A.A. I got unbelievably attached to my baby. I drew a picture during class at my school of C.K.R.A. in utero. I constantly thought of her and the love of my life. I dream about the love of my life, literally, every night. My baby pops in my dreams a couple times a week. When I got my period... I started bawling. I was completely crushed. I wanted to die. I even started crying during lunch at school. Even now, I still cry if I think about it. But I know she'll be real someday. No, not real, but here someday. I'm done talking about that. Let's go back to the original topic. He's coming up in 1 week and I will be vulnerable to him without care, even purposely. I want your opinion on everything, but please don't say anything harsh or negative. I know it's wrong what I desire to do, but he's the only person in my life who makes me truly happy. I know I'm not perfect and that in this case age does kind of matter. I honestly won't change my mind about anything. I just need to talk to someone, but I really can't talk to anyone. And that's the truth. Not even my own best friend, can I talk to. I'm not looking for judgement, or anything that will make me sick to my stomach. All I want is some comforting words. Trust me, I need them. Please keep negative comments away from my baby at least... please. Anything negative said about her will make me burst into tears. I'm a recovering cutter and I struggle with keeping a blade off my wrist. I have scars to prove it, so please keep the negativity to a minimum. Thank you.